Emotions Archives

26 Feb 2020

It’s Time to Stop Saying ‘I’m Fine’

I have helpful suggestions to implement in your day-to-day, but let’s start with some inner reflection before we get there. Read the following two scenarios and let me know what you think.

Scenario # 1: Your child/student asks, “Are you okay?” and you reply, “I’m fine,” even though you’re not. You feel a big emotion and they can clearly tell something’s off, but you don’t want to overwhelm them with your emotional state.

Scenario # 2: You ask your child/student, “Are you okay?” and they reply, “I’m fine.” You know they’re not fine, so you reassure them, “You can tell me anything.” They stick to their guns: “I’m fine.”

Hmm … What did you notice? There’s something concerning in both of these situations and it comes down to: Who do children learn from? Us.

Monkey See, Monkey Do

It’s no wonder that children mirror our actions—we’re their biggest role models. They follow our lead and if we don’t model what we want them to learn, how will they learn it? When we avoid sharing our emotions, we teach kids to do the same.

We all feel emotions. We all feel annoyed, angry, overwhelmed, embarrassed, sad, nervous, among others. So why don’t we feel free to express them? When we go to great lengths to hide these emotions and deny them, we teach kids avoidance and suppression – monkey see, monkey do. You know those old sayings are often true!

So what can we do?

How to Express Emotions

If I’ve learned anything from my career in educating others on emotional awareness and emotional management, it’s that it’s impossible to help a person overcome an emotion simply by saying, “Don’t feel that way.” Think of how you react when someone tells you “Just stop feeling X.” Even if they mean well, this statement probably does the opposite than they intended, then we’re back to square one.

Our kids are the same way. The students I present to tell me that when they feel flooded with an emotion, they can’t stop thinking about it, no matter how many times they’re told to just stop or let it go. And yet they have often learned from us that the socially acceptable thing to do is say ‘”I’m fine.”

As adults, it’s up to us to model healthy actions. Next time your child/student asks how you are feeling, if you are feeling a little less-than, it’s okay to tell them. Of course, we want to share our emotions in a productive way, so try the following suggestions:

Step outside your comfort zone.

Choose to step outside your comfort zone by admitting your true feelings. For example, if you feel frustrated, it’s good to be honest and say “I’m feeling frustrated.” Share, in an age appropriate way, what triggered your frustration. If you find that you are not sure how you are feeling, use the Elephant in the Room poster to help.

2. It’s okay to not feel okay.

Let them know that emotions are natural and normal. Explain that it’s okay to feel not okay. Show them how to move through challenging emotions like frustration, anxious, overwhelmed.

When my son Kai, who is seven, is overwhelmed with emotion, I bend down so I am at his eye level and I say, ‘Kai breathe. Take a deep breath in and blow out slowly.’ I breathe with him.We repeat ‘the breath’ 3 times or whatever amount he needs in order to calm himself.

What’s something you could do to help you move through in a healthy way?’ Use Find Your Calm poster to discover more ways to move through emotions.

3. Be the role model.

It takes courage to admit when something feels off. Pretending everything is fine catches up to you. The TV show ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ put it best – ‘It’s a lie that both comforts and destroys.’ The next time you are about to say, “I’m fine”. STOP. As uncomfortable as it may be, remember that naming and moving through emotions allows you to connect and communicate a powerful part of yourself. By sharing how you are truly feeling, the children in your life will learn to do the same

By choosing to continuously model these suggestions, children learn the importance of emotional awareness and emotional management, which is hugely beneficial to building their resilience and well-being.

Until next time…

12 Feb 2020

Why is the Thought of Asking So Scary?

‘You get in life what you have the courage to ask for.’ Oprah Winfrey

Think about a time you wanted to ask a question and didn’t.

Have you ever avoided asking because you were scared you would hear that one word … it’s not yes … it’s No!

Has the fear of ‘NO’ stopped you from pursuing a dream, taking a stand or getting an answer to something you really want to know?

Think of all you are missing because you are allowing fear to stop you … all the unanswered questions … all the missed opportunities.

Young people tell me that when they are feeling shy, nervous, embarrassed, sad or anxious – it’s harder to ask. I agree!

It’s natural to feel these emotions. The key is not to allow these emotions to stop you.

Choices from these emotions easily steer you not to ask. Choices from courage allow you to feel the emotions and ask anyway.

Where will you choose to make your choices from? Fear? or Courage?

Choose Courage.

Go on… Ask!

Until next time…

18 Dec 2019

From Our Home to Yours

What a wonderful year! I loved presenting at the schools, conferences and businesses that have invited me to share my UPower message.

I have had the opportunity to connect with so many amazing people who believe that emotions matter! Speaking of emotions…let me share the behind the scenes of our FUN family photo.

Our 7 year old son Kai was so annoyed when I told him we were having a family photo taken. His reaction, ‘I don’t want to! It will be boring!’

I had thought, before I even mentioned it, that he would probably rather be playing with a friend instead of posing for the camera, but I wasn’t prepared for the extreme stance he took. His ‘late to bed’ and ‘early to rise’ certainly didn’t help his mood or reaction.

So let’s see … we have lack of sleep, mixed with ‘I don’t want to’ … causing family photo shoot meltdown.

Trying to reason with him was not getting us anywhere. Kai’s emotions were running too high. Off he stomped to his room. We let him be. We let his emotions run their course.

Then my husband, George came up with a brilliant idea, ‘Kai, how about we wear hockey jerseys in the photo.’ Kai was all ears. My husband was enrolling Kai by speaking to his main interest…Hockey!

Kai said excitedly, ‘Why don’t we all wear jerseys!’ His mood totally changed as we started looking around our home for jerseys and wouldn’t you know it, since my husband is a long time Pittsburg fan and I’m a Sidney Crosby Fan, we found 3 Penguins Jerseys.

I definitely wasn’t planning on wearing a jersey for our family Christmas photo! But … being open to possibilities brought us a solution.

It ended up being the BEST family photo shoot we have ever had. It was Fun! We role played hockey scenes and we laughed a lot. We didn’t let our emotions stop us from creating a GREAT memory!

Whether you are a Pens Fan or not … from our family to yours … Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays! Happy New Year too!

Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be Wonderful!

Until next time…

6 Nov 2019

What does it Take to Forgive?

The classroom culture was being affected by a few students who were holding onto words and actions that had taken place since…wait for it…GRADE 2!! For the last 6 years they tried to move on but ‘the moving on’ was a struggle because they had never forgiven each other.

There was a shift in the room when the students communicated how they FELT about what happened in grade 2.

They realized the problem wasn’t what happened in grade 2, the problem was the emotions the circumstance triggered. They never learned to express their emotions or move through them in a healthy way or forgive.

They agreed they wanted to create a school culture where respect and kindness rule. Hard to do with a dark cloud of emotions hovering over you – easier to accomplish when you are willing to listen to each other’s emotions with compassion and respect. So that’s what we worked on during the workshop and it was incredible to see the shift.

Forgiveness isn’t saying what happened is ok – it’s saying that you are no longer willing to carry around the pain, anger and resentment.

Once they reached the point where they were able to forgive themselves and those around them, the room we were sitting in became a lighter, brighter and more connected place.

We ended in a circle.

As each person shared a piece of wisdom for the group, we wrapped coloured string around each wrist so they could see that through sharing they are connected. Before we cut the string between each of them (so they could each leave with a string bracelet), one person shouted ‘let’s all link our hands!’

Until next time,

23 Oct 2019

3 Sure Fire Ways to Be Resilient

“Resilience: noun

The ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change: toughness
The ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; elasticity.

What does it mean to be tough? Or to be elastic as a person?

Maybe we bend, but never break. Maybe we bruise, but are not broken. We survive hardships and heartbreaks and come out stronger on the other side when resilience guides us through.

It’s important to note that resilience isn’t a mysterious exterior force some of us are gifted with (even though it may feel that way sometimes), but a choice we make in the face of a challenge. It’s how quick we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and choose to take another step forward. It can be a difficult skill to learn, but one that will carry us through tough times and uncomfortable emotions in a way that reacting negatively never can. But how do you learn resilience?

That’s right—it’s learned, like any other skill.

Here are 3 sure-fire ways to developing the skill of resilience:

1. Character

Challenges bring up tough, overwhelming emotions like: sadness, disappointment, anger, frustration—emotions that make it difficult to make choices that show our character. Instead of reacting out of emotions during challenging circumstances, can you acknowledge your emotions, identify them, and move through them in a healthy way?

It takes courage to acknowledge emotions and find the determination and confidence to keep moving forward.

You are more than the adversity you face and building a strong character will be your pathway to accept and overcome the obstacles that may stand in your way.

2. Support

Try as some of us might, we can’t go very far without support from others. A strong support system is crucial to bouncing back from challenging times.

When you are facing a challenge, reach out to others and ask for help even though you may feel embarrassed, nervous or scared. People who care for and love you will help you move forward. They will give you the hope you need to believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel that seems winding and endless.

3. Perception

Remember this: Challenges are chapters in your life not your whole story. I say it often because it’s true and realizing this will change your perception of every roadblock.

Resilience is very much based on perception. How do you see what you’re going through? Do you look at it as ‘this is what my life will look and feel like forever’ or do you perceive challenges as ways to learn and grow? Altering your perception alters whether you stay down or bounce back.

We all want to keep stepping one foot in front of the other with the belief that challenges have an end point. We all need to believe that there is some purpose in what happened.

Resilience in Practice

Does it seem difficult to learn resilience? Sometimes it definitely does. Here’s an exercise my mum taught me that I use to this day to help me bounce back.

When I was 15, I hit the wrong note during a big singing performance. After listening to me express my embarrassment, frustration, and disappointment, my mum asked me one question: “What is the gift?”

Me: What do you mean? It was so embarrassing! There is no gift.

My mum: What’s the gift? What did you learn?

Me: Nothing. (I was still so upset with myself)

My mum: Write 3 positive things you received from this challenge.

With a calm brain, I reflected on the gifts.

What did I learn that helped me build my resilience?

The breakdown: I chose to act based on my character of respect for myself, others and my dreams. I chose to stay determined to keep singing. I had the support of my mum and I realized that changing my perception from what happened to what I learned helped me bounce back.

This exercise helped train my brain to look for gratitude even in the darkest moments.

Can you practice the same? Can you think of 3 gifts you have received from a challenging time?

Until next time,