Mental Health Kids Archives

26 Feb 2020

It’s Time to Stop Saying ‘I’m Fine’

I have helpful suggestions to implement in your day-to-day, but let’s start with some inner reflection before we get there. Read the following two scenarios and let me know what you think.

Scenario # 1: Your child/student asks, “Are you okay?” and you reply, “I’m fine,” even though you’re not. You feel a big emotion and they can clearly tell something’s off, but you don’t want to overwhelm them with your emotional state.

Scenario # 2: You ask your child/student, “Are you okay?” and they reply, “I’m fine.” You know they’re not fine, so you reassure them, “You can tell me anything.” They stick to their guns: “I’m fine.”

Hmm … What did you notice? There’s something concerning in both of these situations and it comes down to: Who do children learn from? Us.

Monkey See, Monkey Do

It’s no wonder that children mirror our actions—we’re their biggest role models. They follow our lead and if we don’t model what we want them to learn, how will they learn it? When we avoid sharing our emotions, we teach kids to do the same.

We all feel emotions. We all feel annoyed, angry, overwhelmed, embarrassed, sad, nervous, among others. So why don’t we feel free to express them? When we go to great lengths to hide these emotions and deny them, we teach kids avoidance and suppression – monkey see, monkey do. You know those old sayings are often true!

So what can we do?

How to Express Emotions

If I’ve learned anything from my career in educating others on emotional awareness and emotional management, it’s that it’s impossible to help a person overcome an emotion simply by saying, “Don’t feel that way.” Think of how you react when someone tells you “Just stop feeling X.” Even if they mean well, this statement probably does the opposite than they intended, then we’re back to square one.

Our kids are the same way. The students I present to tell me that when they feel flooded with an emotion, they can’t stop thinking about it, no matter how many times they’re told to just stop or let it go. And yet they have often learned from us that the socially acceptable thing to do is say ‘”I’m fine.”

As adults, it’s up to us to model healthy actions. Next time your child/student asks how you are feeling, if you are feeling a little less-than, it’s okay to tell them. Of course, we want to share our emotions in a productive way, so try the following suggestions:

Step outside your comfort zone.

Choose to step outside your comfort zone by admitting your true feelings. For example, if you feel frustrated, it’s good to be honest and say “I’m feeling frustrated.” Share, in an age appropriate way, what triggered your frustration. If you find that you are not sure how you are feeling, use the Elephant in the Room poster to help.

2. It’s okay to not feel okay.

Let them know that emotions are natural and normal. Explain that it’s okay to feel not okay. Show them how to move through challenging emotions like frustration, anxious, overwhelmed.

When my son Kai, who is seven, is overwhelmed with emotion, I bend down so I am at his eye level and I say, ‘Kai breathe. Take a deep breath in and blow out slowly.’ I breathe with him.We repeat ‘the breath’ 3 times or whatever amount he needs in order to calm himself.

What’s something you could do to help you move through in a healthy way?’ Use Find Your Calm poster to discover more ways to move through emotions.

3. Be the role model.

It takes courage to admit when something feels off. Pretending everything is fine catches up to you. The TV show ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ put it best – ‘It’s a lie that both comforts and destroys.’ The next time you are about to say, “I’m fine”. STOP. As uncomfortable as it may be, remember that naming and moving through emotions allows you to connect and communicate a powerful part of yourself. By sharing how you are truly feeling, the children in your life will learn to do the same

By choosing to continuously model these suggestions, children learn the importance of emotional awareness and emotional management, which is hugely beneficial to building their resilience and well-being.

Until next time…

12 Feb 2020

Why is the Thought of Asking So Scary?

‘You get in life what you have the courage to ask for.’ Oprah Winfrey

Think about a time you wanted to ask a question and didn’t.

Have you ever avoided asking because you were scared you would hear that one word … it’s not yes … it’s No!

Has the fear of ‘NO’ stopped you from pursuing a dream, taking a stand or getting an answer to something you really want to know?

Think of all you are missing because you are allowing fear to stop you … all the unanswered questions … all the missed opportunities.

Young people tell me that when they are feeling shy, nervous, embarrassed, sad or anxious – it’s harder to ask. I agree!

It’s natural to feel these emotions. The key is not to allow these emotions to stop you.

Choices from these emotions easily steer you not to ask. Choices from courage allow you to feel the emotions and ask anyway.

Where will you choose to make your choices from? Fear? or Courage?

Choose Courage.

Go on… Ask!

Until next time…

27 Jan 2020

Praise Effort Regardless of the Results

My husband coaches our son’s hockey team. His coaching philosophy is one I admire and wholeheartedly believe in. Here’s what he shared with the parents early in the season:

“We’ve been praising the full effort of the kids and are less concerned with who scores… not that we don’t acknowledge the goal, we praise how the goal came about.”

I love this concept and think this coaching technique can carry through to how we as parents and educators interact with kids on a daily basis.

Consider doing this: Praise their effort regardless of the results.

For example, your child or student receives an A on their recent test. Do you say:

A. ‘Wow! You’re really smart!’ or…

B. ‘Look at what you have achieved. You chose to put in the effort and be determined. Excellent work!’

More and more studies show that choice B is more beneficial for kids. Using the theory of Carol Dweck, a psychology professor, choice B teaches our kids a growth mindset, while choice A encourages a fixed mindset.

With a growth mindset, people approach challenges knowing that they have the ability to learn and to improve every day if they put in the effort. With a fixed mindset, people believe their basic abilities, their intelligence, their talent, are just fixed traits. They have a certain amount and that’s that. Their goal becomes to look smart all the time. (Wikipedia)

I think there’s more to unwrap here…

How do you teach children a growth mindset and the value of effort?

Let’s use hockey as an example.

When players understand the importance of being open to learning they become confident enough to put in the effort to embrace new skills. They start to realize that, even though they may not have learned all the skills, it doesn’t mean they never will, it just means they haven’t learnt them YET! This mindset gets them ready to take on the challenges of training and development. And regardless of whether they win or lose, they learn to value the experiences.

This mindset will look like this:

‘I will put in the effort’.
‘I like to learn new skills’.
‘I am a problem solver’.
‘I can overcome challenge’.

Praising effort helps kids see the importance of the actions they took. If they know that being determined to go after the puck and staying focused on skating with a full stride helped them score a goal, they’ll know to stay focused on practicing those skills in order to score again. If we tell them, “You’re so talented! Great goal!” how will they know what they need to do to score again? How will they know which character traits they used to get there?

By attaching specific character traits to their efforts we show children that character based choices matter and what their effort and character looks like in action.

How do you shift your words to praise the effort in every day situations?

Here are some examples:

Great job! (what made it a great job?) You were so determined to learn your spelling words!
You’re a good friend. (what makes them a good friend?) You showed generosity because you shared your snack.
Way to go! (what did they do?) You were kind. You held the door open for them.

The more we focus our praise on acknowledging the efforts and the character traits used to achieve the desired end result, we teach children that the journey matters—how they succeed is just as important as succeeding.

Exercise: Start to praise the effort instead of the results with your own kids or students. Pay attention to how you praise and pause in those moments…what character trait could you add?

Want to share how you’ve changed the praise dialogue for your family or school? Tag me on Instagram with an example of how you praised the effort to teach your child/student about a character-based choice they made. Let’s work together on this!

Until next time…

12 Dec 2019

I Just Want to Be Me

I received an email from a student who felt they were two different people – one side of them is their school self, the other side is their home self.

I could relate to this student as I remember my ‘school self’ being self conscious – worried about what others thought about me – wanting to be liked and accepted by everyone. I did have confident moments and many good times in school, but there was a voice in my head sometimes saying, ‘What will they think? Do they really like me?‘

Looking back, I can see that there were times when those self-defeating thoughts stopped me from being totally free to Just Be Me.

My ‘home self’ felt and still feels free – a place where I allow myself to relax and be me. When I am home I don’t worry about my clothes matching or what my hair looks like. I can choose to change into my pyjamas as soon as I step inside the door and to feel my true emotions without worry of judgments.

When you are not being who you really are, you are most likely worried about what other people are thinking about you. I still have moments when I worry what others think of me. But now I recognize those moments.

That recognition now gives me two choices: Allow those thoughts to hold me back from being me or notice the thought and take a stand for who I am regardless of the opinions of others.

The true essence of who you are should not change from place to place. If you feel you have to pretend to be someone that you are not in order to ‘fit in’, not only is it exhausting, but also frustrating.

Being true to you will be way more fulfilling than trying to be someone that you aren’t. Your real friends will accept you for who you are.

At the end of the day I believe it is imperative that you can say ‘I am proud of who I was today.’

Until next time…

6 Nov 2019

What does it Take to Forgive?

The classroom culture was being affected by a few students who were holding onto words and actions that had taken place since…wait for it…GRADE 2!! For the last 6 years they tried to move on but ‘the moving on’ was a struggle because they had never forgiven each other.

There was a shift in the room when the students communicated how they FELT about what happened in grade 2.

They realized the problem wasn’t what happened in grade 2, the problem was the emotions the circumstance triggered. They never learned to express their emotions or move through them in a healthy way or forgive.

They agreed they wanted to create a school culture where respect and kindness rule. Hard to do with a dark cloud of emotions hovering over you – easier to accomplish when you are willing to listen to each other’s emotions with compassion and respect. So that’s what we worked on during the workshop and it was incredible to see the shift.

Forgiveness isn’t saying what happened is ok – it’s saying that you are no longer willing to carry around the pain, anger and resentment.

Once they reached the point where they were able to forgive themselves and those around them, the room we were sitting in became a lighter, brighter and more connected place.

We ended in a circle.

As each person shared a piece of wisdom for the group, we wrapped coloured string around each wrist so they could see that through sharing they are connected. Before we cut the string between each of them (so they could each leave with a string bracelet), one person shouted ‘let’s all link our hands!’

Until next time,