Parenting Archives

28 Jun 2023

Where’s the Parenting Manual?

When you become a parent, you are expected to know all the ins and outs of raising a child. You may still be asking – ‘where’s the parenting manual?’ – especially when it comes to emotions. Since one doesn’t exist, I would like to share three tips I have learned from my parenting journey that has made a difference for me and my family.

1. Be the calm in your child’s emotional storm. Being calm can be difficult, especially when a child’s behaviour triggers your emotions. You can’t help a child regulate theirs if you are lost in your own. Training yourself to be conscious of the emotions you are experiencing so that you can manage them, is essential to being able to best help your child with what they are experiencing. When a child is reacting from emotions, stay curious – what has happened that is creating the emotion? Remember that they are not a bad kid, they are a kid experiencing a BIG feeling that they are not sure how to navigate.

2. I don’t say to my son, ‘make a good choice’ because in the heat of his emotion (like anger, frustration, sadness, jealousy), he feels he is making a good choice. It’s important to be specific: make a kind choice, make a responsible choice, a respectful choice, a brave choice – replace ‘good’ with the specific character trait you are hoping they make a choice from. Although emotions are natural and normal, they aren’t the reliable place to make all choices from.

3. A key part of being able to help strengthen your child’s well-being is being aware of the strategies that help them manage and navigate tough emotions in healthy ways. Ask your child what helps them find their calm. Create a list of their ways so you know what to suggest when emotions arise. Post the list somewhere that will serve as a reminder for both you and them. Knowing strategies in advance helps the emotionally charged child better bounce back from challenges and stressors.

This is What I Know: Parenting is both a wonderful and stressful process. It is not a sprint, it’s a marathon – exhausting and frustrating at times, but also joyous and rewarding!

Until next time…

14 Jun 2023

Parenting for the Future Child

Being a parent is a tough job! It’s also a rewarding job!

We don’t instantly see the fruits of our labour which is difficult, as we live in a world where instant and convenience is served to us constantly…Uber Eats, Curbside Pickup, Online Banking, Same Day Deliveries. We have come to expect speedy results.

Modelling and teaching our children the essential skills of confidence, emotional resilience, healthy relationships, character values and perseverance, takes lots of patience, loads of effort, consistency and time you sometimes feel you don’t have.

The time you put into your child today is not just for them now, it’s for the future them. As parents we are in the business of planting seeds and watering them, not knowing when those seeds will take root. We want our kids to grow into adults who are confident, have strong mental well-being and can navigate their emotions in healthy ways.

On the hard days, remember that with consistency, nurturing and modelling, your efforts will pay off.

Until next time,

1 Jun 2023

The Importance of Giving Kids a Voice

Kids learn confidence by having their own voice.

Here are 4 ways they can learn to speak for themselves:

1. Give them a say in decisions about their lives. This doesn’t always mean they get what they want. It means they can participate in the discussion, voice their opinions and be heard.

2. Encourage them to make eye contact and speak to adults on their own behalf. This could begin with ordering food at a restaurant or paying for an item at the store.

3. Let them face appropriate consequences at school, or during extra-curricular activities. This teaches them to be responsible for their actions and to deal with the emotions that follow.

4. Allow them to solve their own disputes with others, only stepping in when necessary.

This is What I Know: When kids have a voice, they are more likely to be resilient, motivate themselves, take on new challenges, learn from their mistakes, take responsibility for their actions, and ask for help when they need it.

Until next time…

5 Apr 2023

Two Strategies to Help Kids with Their Challenging Behaviours

When kids display challenging behaviours, it’s easy to react from your emotions.

You can easily respond with frustration, irritation and anger, triggering you to yell, ‘Why would you say/do that?!’

Training yourself to be aware of the emotions you are experiencing and how to navigate them is an essential part of teaching kids to do the same.

Before you can help a child self-regulate – you must do it first.

Take a moment to pause and breathe deep. Then try asking this question, ‘What were you feeling when you said/did that?’ You are now creating an opportunity for a more meaningful and empathetic dialogue which will help you get to the root of what is really happening.

Helping children learn to be aware of their emotions and how to move with and through them in healthy ways helps to shift their behaviour.

Here are two strategies I find extremely helpful to do with my 10 year old son…

If he can’t find the words to tell me the emotion he is feeling, I bring out the ‘elephant emotions‘ poster. Approaching the situation from this angle allows him to identify the emotion that led to his behaviour. It also helps him understand that he was making his choice from that emotion. I remind him that he is a good kid that is having a hard time with his emotions.
Then we talk about ways he can work through that emotion – deep breathing, jumping up and down, squeezing his hands together, talking to someone etc.

This is what I know: When a circumstance happens, it triggers an emotion and out of the emotion you see a behaviour. These two strategies will help you discuss openly the process of recognizing, identifying and releasing emotions in healthy ways so that the next time they react from a circumstance, instead of reprimanding, you can say with compassion and patience, ‘What are you/were you feeling?’

Until next time,

22 Mar 2023

Words You Don’t Want to Hear

Have you ever heard your child say these hurtful words, “I hate you. I don’t like you. You’re the worst.”

Hearing those words can trigger emotions of sadness, anger, even confusion and embarrassment. In these emotional moments, it’s easy to become reactive.

‘You’re being rude and disrespectful’ may be your response or you may find yourself saying, ‘Don’t talk like that. You’re making me sad.’

You can easily take offense to these hurtful words, knowing how much you do for them. However, because children have strong emotions, they can explode without a moment’s notice, especially when they aren’t getting their own way.

I can remember times as a preteen and teen when I would tell my mum I didn’t like her. My mum would respond in a calm voice with a simple ‘okay’. Kids need to know that the feelings that overwhelm them do not overwhelm us.

Now, when my son says the same thing to me, I remember not to take those emotionally charged words personally. I know he is really saying, ‘I don’t like your rule, boundary, consequence or decision you made.’

TRY THIS: Respond with ‘I can tell you are upset.’ Honour the emotions they are experiencing beyond the words they are saying.

Until next time…

8 Mar 2023

Can Compliments Cultivate Kids Confidence?

We want kids to be confident enough to give a compliment and to receive one.

However, their role models (the adults in their life) may respond to a compliment with, ‘No I’m not.’ By responding this way, it models to children to deflect the compliment which doesn’t allow those kinds words to be absorbed and used to cultivate confidence.

THIS IS WHAT I KNOW:

If a person gives a compliment, it means that they have taken the time to recognize you.
When you receive a compliment, model fully accepting it by choosing to smile and say thank you.
Share with your kids how those compliments made you feel and why you appreciate them.

When kids hear and see this as a way to respond to a thoughtful compliment, it teaches them to confidently do the same.

Modelling and teaching children to not only graciously receive a compliment but also to give one is an important part of their emotional and social development.

Too often we keep compliments to ourselves rather than letting others know what we are thinking or we brush off the compliment given to us rather than being grateful for the praise we have received.

When my son tells me something complimentary about someone, I let him know that saying the compliment directly to the person is a way of celebrating them. I remind him that accepting a compliment is a way others celebrate him.

Challenge yourself and your children to give and receive compliments throughout the day that not only show you appreciate others but you also appreciate yourself.

Compliments have power for both the giver and the receiver to enhance emotional and mental well-being and boost confidence.

Until next time…

28 Sep 2022

It Hurts to be Bullied

Being bullied happens too often, and it can make kids feel scared, sick, embarrassed, anxious, depressed and sad. Bullying can make them feel alone with nowhere and no one to turn to.

That’s why Paul Davis (internet safety expert) & I decided to invite Emily, who is 18 years old, to join our podcast to share her bullying story that began in grade 3.

Words from Emily: ‘In grade 3 no one liked me & I don’t know why. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t fit in. I was the one who got picked last in gym class. I kept saying grade 4 will be better. It did get better for a while until the day our teacher asked us to mark each other’s spelling test. When mine was returned to me I saw messages written on it, “You’re not smart! You’re dumb!”

You feel so hopeless. You believe you will never get out of being bullied. You have no reason to go to school – you hate it there. My principal tried to help and for a while it was fine until it wasn’t. When you’re 9 years old you are just starting to figure out life and when the adults have no hope of fixing the situation you feel alone.’

Paul Davis reminds us that we need kids to know if they speak out about any type of bullying, they will be supported.

Once Emily entered high school, she had an idea…click here to watch or here to listen to the full podcast where Emily shares her idea.

One piece of advice to adults from Emily: ‘The most helpful thing an adult can do for a child that is being bullied is to take the time to listen & to let the child talk about how they are feeling & then help work through their emotions together, so it isn’t just on the child’s shoulders.’

Until next time…

14 Sep 2022

Strengthen a Child’s Resilience

As kids get older they start to rely more on the relationships with their friends, and less on their parents.

This can be problematic if they believe their friends are the only people they need in their village. Without the benefit of life experiences, friends usually can’t give the support and advice a young person needs to responsibly navigate to adulthood.

Even though I had wonderful friends, they didn’t have the guidance I needed when I shared my sadness and confusion around my parent’s divorce, the lack of relationship with my dad after the divorce and the boy in my class who made fun of me most days.

My mum could see I was struggling and recognized I needed more than she could give me. She realized she needed to expand my village. She started sending me to character development courses, support groups and leadership camps.

As a preteen and teen I wasn’t the least bit interested in going. Getting really angry telling her I didn’t want to go and telling her I didn’t like her, got me nowhere. My Mum would simply reply, ‘You don’t have a choice.’

How does expanding a child’s village help?

I couldn’t see any benefit in my mum’s decision at the time – all I could see was that her choices were taking away time from me hanging out with my friends. Now in reflection, I can clearly see that by expanding my village to include mentors, coaches, teachers, new experiences and wisdom taught me to be confident, responsible and resilient.

Teaching your child the importance of learning from different mentors and role models will not only enrich and expand “their village”, it will also help develop their mental, emotional and physical well-being

Your child will probably not thank you for expanding their village. However, one day they will look back as I did…

Until next time…

12 Aug 2022

Your Child Made a Mistake – Now What?

Has your child ever wanted to try something new but you know they didn’t because a voice in their head was saying, ‘I could make a mistake, look silly and end up feeling embarrassed.’

Mistakes can cause children (adults as well) to question their ability, their self-worth and affect their confidence. They may decide to only try things they know they are good at.

Mistakes happen even when they try their very best. It’s how you approach their mistakes that makes all the difference.

How to Handle Your Child’s Mistakes

Your reactions can influence their resilience, confidence and self-worth. It can determine how they handle mistakes and what they see themselves now and s an adult.

Teaching a child that mistakes are an opportunity to learn and grow will encourage them to keep trying.

Instead of focusing on what they did wrong, focus on supporting them through the emotions they may be feeling like embarrassment, frustration, anger and disappointment. (totally normal)

Help them to:

Reflect on their mistake: What would you do differently the next time? Who could you ask to help you improve?
Redirect their thoughts: What could you be grateful for from the mistake? At first they might think, ‘there is nothing to be grateful for.’ The simplest way to discover what they could be grateful for is to ask, ‘What did you learn from the mistake? (could be as simple as they learned that you support them)

Embracing Mistakes

Changing the way they think about mistakes, gives them a gift that will make a difference for years to come

Encourage your child to try a new skill or task with enthusiasm and joy, reminding them that they are not only growing as a person but also learning so much about their wonderful self!

Until next time…

19 May 2022

How to Get a Child to Ask for Help

I can remember my son at 2 years old saying, ‘I can’t!’ My husband and I both looked at each other and thought ‘no way is that going to be his mindset!’ Every time Kai would say, ‘I can’t!’ we’d have him repeat, ‘I can. I just need help.’ This is now an ongoing mantra in our home.

This mantra gives your child courage.

Changing ‘I can’t’ to ‘I can’ allows your child not only be determined and successful but only to believe in possibility. Adding ‘I just need help’, creates an opening to ask for & receive support.

Getting a child to ask for help is a skill.

THINK ABOUT THIS: What emotions are making it harder for your child/student to ask for help? Emotions like embarrassment, fear, frustration and shyness can stop them from having the courage to reach out for the help and support they need and deserve.

REMEMBER THIS: Getting a child to ask for help is a skill that shows strength, confidence and curiosity. It’s an important part of a growth mindset.

TRY THIS: The next time you hear your child/student saying, ‘I can’t’ gently remind them to replace those words with…

I CAN. I JUST NEED HELP!

Until next time…