It’s amazing how many photos I have of our dog Finn and yet I find myself taking more. He looks at me as if to say … ‘again … don’t you have anything else to do?’
Sometimes I will walk Finn chatting away. I’m sure the neighbours wonder?
He pays attention to my every word. To him I must be the smartest and most interesting person in the world.
If I feel sad, frustrated, disappointed or anxious he listens intently. He does not interrupt or give me advice. I get to just share with no judgment.
Perhaps that’s why so many students raise their hand when I ask, ‘Who talks to their pet to move through emotions?’
Our furry friends (and not so furry) play an important part in our physical, mental and emotional well-being. Studies show time and time again that pets are healing!
Our Finn is an important part of our family! He brings happiness and peace. He’s always excited to see us (especially my husband) and he loves to be petted, carried and snuggled.
Finn loves us and we love him. Sure there are times when his bark annoys us … but he’s worth it!
Do you have a pet – maybe it’s a lizard, cat, dog, fish, bird, rabbit, hamster – that you couldn’t imagine life without? Share a photo on Instagram and tag me in it so I can share it @iamsarawestbrook
Until next time…
6 May 2020
Teaching Kids to Bounce Back
Children are experiencing a lot of changes during this unprecedented time. They are missing their friends and their extended family. Their routines have been turned upside down. They may be frustrated with staying home and overwhelmed with the conversations around COVID-19.
As a parent, you might wish you could shield them from the challenges they face, but that’s neither possible, nor beneficial for building their resilience. During this time it’s especially important to help them see their challenges as an opportunity to learn, grow and bounce back so they can keep moving forward.
Here are 3 tips to help your child be a ‘Bounce Back’ kid:
1. Explain that everyone is facing changes and challenges. Ask them to write out all the choices they can make from the challenging circumstances they are experiencing. This will change their focus from ‘what happened’ to ‘how can I move through this’
2. Each day they will experience different emotions like anger, disappointment, happiness, frustration, sadness. At times these emotions will feel like they are riding a roller coaster. Knowing that these emotions are normal and experienced by everyone will help them realize they are not alone and that it’s OK to feel a range of emotions.
3. Encourage them to come up with healthy ways to release these emotions (drawing, talking to someone, reading, watching a show, journaling etc). Have them create a list so that they know what to do when these emotions arise. Put the list in a place they can see everyday. It’s also important for you to know their healthy ways to release their emotions so that you can remind them what to do when they are feeling overwhelmed.
Let your children know you are always there for them.
Remind them: They Matter! They are Enough!
Until next time…
1 Apr 2020
My Grandpa’s Secret
My grandpa died a few months ago of natural causes. He was 102… ONE HUNDRED AND TWO.
Isn’t that amazing? I think he had a secret to his longevity.
My grandpa always told me something I thought was very special which I often remind myself of: “If you can’t clown around in the world, you will never get around.”
You could take everything personally, focus on the negative, feel down and discouraged or you could adopt some of my grandpa’s positivity and choose to clown around. Imagine what would happen if you added humour to your days? What if you playedmore? Wouldn’t that be fun? That’s my grandpa’s secret. He chose humour.
I know it’s not always easy…
“But Sara, what if certain things just feel hard?” I hear you.
The truth is … it’s sometimes hard for all of us. My grandpa’s life wasn’t all fun and games. He struggled at times and in more ways than most—I bet it wasn’t easy for him to find humour every day. He was blind by the time he was a teenager and when the other kids learned how to drive, he longed for the day that never came. I saw his struggle first hand when he’d whisper in my ear his simple wish for sight.
When my grandpa was growing up, if you were blind, you were sent to boarding school. It could have felt terrible for him to live away from his friends and family, but he found a loved one there… my grandma. She was also blind.
He tuned pianos for a living because what he lacked in sight he made up for in sound and together, they raised three children with bells on their shoes—a little trick to keep track of their footsteps around the house. Isn’t that fun?!
I think the moral of this story is that with humour, you build resilience. Of course, there will be difficult times, but it’s important to always search for joy, silver linings, and silliness in times that feel hard. I think laughter is healing and humour goes a long way to helping you move through challenging circumstances and tough emotions.
How to add humour to your day
My fondest memories of my grandpa are filled with laughter. Joking together! I want to thank him a thousand times over for his wise words, but all I can do is share them with you.
It’s a childlike quality that we can carry into adulthood. I think of my son sometimes when I need a reminder. When our babies are born, we do everything we can to make them laugh. Now, he laughs at the oddest jokes that he thinks are really funny. It makes me happy to see him so happy and we snowball from there. Don’t you think that’s proof enough of the positive impact humour has on our wellbeing? I sure do!
Here’s a few ways to find your ‘inner clown’ even if you think it’s silly:
Make funny faces in the mirror – sounds weird but it works.
Sing really loud using a funny voice.
Watch a funny movie and laugh until your face feels like it’s
cracking.
Dance like no one is watching.
Play dress up with your kids or friends.
Laughter and humour will give you the space to cope with a situation with a more relaxed view and help give you a different perspective so you can bounce back with more ease.
Until next time…
26 Feb 2020
It’s Time to Stop Saying ‘I’m Fine’
I have helpful suggestions to implement in your day-to-day, but let’s start with some inner reflection before we get there. Read the following two scenarios and let me know what you think.
Scenario # 1: Your child/student asks, “Are you okay?” and you reply, “I’m fine,” even though you’re not. You feel a big emotion and they can clearly tell something’s off, but you don’t want to overwhelm them with your emotional state.
Scenario # 2: You ask your child/student, “Are you okay?” and they reply, “I’m fine.” You know they’re not fine, so you reassure them, “You can tell me anything.” They stick to their guns: “I’m fine.”
Hmm … What did you notice? There’s something concerning in both of these situations and it comes down to: Who do children learn from? Us.
Monkey See, Monkey Do
It’s no wonder that children mirror our actions—we’re their biggest role models. They follow our lead and if we don’t model what we want them to learn, how will they learn it? When we avoid sharing our emotions, we teach kids to do the same.
We all feel emotions. We all feel annoyed, angry, overwhelmed, embarrassed, sad, nervous, among others. So why don’t we feel free to express them? When we go to great lengths to hide these emotions and deny them, we teach kids avoidance and suppression – monkey see, monkey do. You know those old sayings are often true!
So what can we do?
How to Express Emotions
If I’ve learned anything from my career in educating others on emotional awareness and emotional management, it’s that it’s impossible to help a person overcome an emotion simply by saying, “Don’t feel that way.” Think of how you react when someone tells you “Just stop feeling X.” Even if they mean well, this statement probably does the opposite than they intended, then we’re back to square one.
Our kids are the same way. The students I present to tell me that when they feel flooded with an emotion, they can’t stop thinking about it, no matter how many times they’re told to just stop or let it go. And yet they have often learned from us that the socially acceptable thing to do is say ‘”I’m fine.”
As adults, it’s up to us to model healthy actions. Next time your child/student asks how you are feeling, if you are feeling a little less-than, it’s okay to tell them. Of course, we want to share our emotions in a productive way, so try the following suggestions:
Step outside your comfort zone.
Choose to step outside your comfort zone by admitting your true feelings. For example, if you feel frustrated, it’s good to be honest and say “I’m feeling frustrated.” Share, in an age appropriate way, what triggered your frustration. If you find that you are not sure how you are feeling, use the Elephant in the Room posterto help.
Let them know that emotions are natural
and normal. Explain that it’s okay to feel not okay. Show them how to move
through challenging emotions like frustration, anxious, overwhelmed.
When my son Kai, who is seven, is
overwhelmed with emotion, I bend down so I am at his eye level and I
say, ‘Kai breathe. Take a deep breath in and blow out slowly.’ I breathe with him.We repeat ‘the breath’ 3 times or whatever amount he needs in
order to calm himself.
What’s something you could do to help you move through in a healthy way?’ Use FindYour Calm poster to discover more ways to move through emotions.
3. Be the role model.
It
takes courage to admit when something feels off. Pretending everything is fine
catches up to you. The TV show
‘Grey’s Anatomy’ put it best –
‘It’s a lie that both comforts and destroys.’
The next time you are about to say, “I’m fine”. STOP.
As uncomfortable as it may be, remember that naming
and moving through emotions allows you to
connect and communicate a powerful part of yourself. By sharing how you are truly feeling, the
children in your life will learn to do the same
By choosing to continuously model these suggestions, children learn the importance of emotional awareness and emotional management, which is hugely beneficial to building their resilience and well-being.
Until next time…
12 Feb 2020
Why is the Thought of Asking So Scary?
‘You get in life what you have the courage to ask for.’ Oprah Winfrey
Think about a time you wanted to ask a question and didn’t.
Have you ever avoided asking because you were scared you would hear that one word … it’s not yes … it’s No!
Has the fear of ‘NO’ stopped you from pursuing a dream, taking a stand or getting an answer to something you really want to know?
Think of all you are missing because you are allowing fear to stop you … all the unanswered questions … all the missed opportunities.
Young people tell me that when they are feeling shy, nervous, embarrassed, sad or anxious – it’s harder to ask. I agree!
It’s natural to feel these emotions. The key is not to allow these emotions to stop you.
Choices from these emotions easily steer you not to ask. Choices from courage allow you to feel the emotions and ask anyway.
Where will you choose to make your choices from? Fear? or Courage?
Choose Courage.
Go on… Ask!
Until next time…
27 Jan 2020
Praise Effort Regardless of the Results
My husband coaches our son’s hockey team. His coaching philosophy is one I admire and wholeheartedly believe in. Here’s what he shared with the parents early in the season:
“We’ve been praising the full effort of the kids and are less concerned with who scores… not that we don’t acknowledge the goal, we praise how the goal came about.”
I love this concept and think this coaching technique can carry through to how we as parents and educators interact with kids on a daily basis.
Consider doing this: Praise their effort regardless of the results.
For example, your child
or student receives an A on their recent test. Do you say:
A. ‘Wow! You’re really smart!’ or…
B. ‘Look at what you have achieved. You chose to put in the effort and be determined. Excellent work!’
More and more studies show that choice B is more beneficial for kids. Using the theory of Carol Dweck, a psychology professor, choice B teaches our kids a growth mindset, while choice A encourages a fixed mindset.
With a growth mindset, people approach challenges knowing that they have the ability to learn and to improve every day if they put in the effort. With a fixed mindset, people believe their basic abilities, their intelligence, their talent, are just fixed traits. They have a certain amount and that’s that. Their goal becomes to look smart all the time. (Wikipedia)
I think there’s more to unwrap here…
How do you teach children a growth mindset and the value of effort?
Let’s use hockey as an example.
When players understand the importance of being open to learning they become confident enough to put in the effort to embrace new skills. They start to realize that, even though they may not have learned all the skills, it doesn’t mean they never will, it just means they haven’t learnt them YET! This mindset gets them ready to take on the challenges of training and development. And regardless of whether they win or lose, they learn to value the experiences.
This mindset will look like this:
‘I will put in the effort’. ‘I like to learn new skills’. ‘I am a problem solver’. ‘I can overcome challenge’.
Praising effort helps kids see the importance of the actions they took. If they know that being determined to go after the puck and staying focused on skating with a full stride helped them score a goal, they’ll know to stay focused on practicing those skills in order to score again. If we tell them, “You’re so talented! Great goal!” how will they know what they need to do to score again? How will they know which character traits they used to get there?
By attaching specific character traits to their efforts we show children that character based choices matter and what their effort and character looks like in action.
How do you shift your words to praise the effort in every day situations?
Here are some
examples:
Great job! (what made it a great job?) You were so determined to learn your spelling words!
You’re a good friend. (what makes them a good friend?) You showed generosity because you shared your snack.
Way to go! (what did they do?) You were kind. You held the door open for them.
The more we focus our praise on acknowledging the efforts and the character traits used to achieve the desired end result, we teach children that the journey matters—how they succeed is just as important as succeeding.
Exercise: Start to praise the effort instead of the results with your own kids or students. Pay attention to how you praise and pause in those moments…what character trait could you add?
Want to share how you’ve changed the praise dialogue for your family or school? Tag me on Instagram with an example of how you praised the effort to teach your child/student about a character-based choice they made. Let’s work together on this!
Until next time…
8 Jan 2020
Celebrate You!
Let’s not wait to only celebrate on special occasions – let’s celebrate along the journey.
Sometimes we think that something big needs to happen – only then can we justify a celebration. Have you ever said ‘when I get there or when that happens, then I will celebrate’?
By holding off you rob yourself of appreciating and celebrating the steps you have taken along the way. It’s those small successes that get you to your desired end result.
By choosing to celebrate yourself and your journey, you elevate your emotional state as it creates a feeling of happiness and gratitude.
Tips to Celebrating You:
Take time to reflect back and recognize how far you have come.
Write down all your accomplishments – even the small ones. Place them somewhere as a reminder when you are feeling frustrated or upset with yourself.
Give yourself compliments. Say thank-you when someone compliments you.
Do something special to show you care about yourself. It could be as simple as making your favourite coffee/tea, a walk in the park, a massage, a movie, whatever it is that you wish you would take time to do. You deserve it.
Life can go at a fast pace and it’s easy to get caught in what feels like a race. It’s up to you to choose to slow it down by being mindful of the moments so you can celebrate the journey not just the end result.
When you choose to celebrate YOU, it allows you to celebrate others.
Until
next time…
18 Dec 2019
From Our Home to Yours
What a wonderful year! I loved presenting at the schools, conferences and businesses that have invited me to share my UPower message.
I have had the opportunity to connect with so many amazing people who believe that emotions matter! Speaking of emotions…let me share the behind the scenes of our FUN family photo.
Our 7 year old son Kai was so annoyed when I told him we were having a family photo taken. His reaction, ‘I don’t want to! It will be boring!’
I had thought, before I even mentioned it, that he would probably rather be playing with a friend instead of posing for the camera, but I wasn’t prepared for the extreme stance he took. His ‘late to bed’ and ‘early to rise’ certainly didn’t help his mood or reaction.
So let’s see … we have lack of sleep, mixed with ‘I don’t want to’ … causing family photo shoot meltdown.
Trying to reason with him was not getting us
anywhere. Kai’s emotions were running too high. Off he stomped to his room. We let him be. We let his
emotions run their course.
Then my husband, George came up with a brilliant idea, ‘Kai, how about we wear hockey jerseys in the photo.’ Kai was all ears. My husband was enrolling Kai by speaking to his main interest…Hockey!
Kai said excitedly, ‘Why don’t we all wear jerseys!’ His mood totally changed as we started looking around our home for jerseys and wouldn’t you know it, since my husband is a long time Pittsburg fan and I’m a Sidney Crosby Fan, we found 3 Penguins Jerseys.
I definitely wasn’t planning on wearing a jersey for our family Christmas photo! But … being open to possibilities brought us a solution.
It ended up being the BEST family photo shoot we have ever had. It was Fun! We role played hockey scenes and we laughed a lot. We didn’t let our emotions stop us from creating a GREAT memory!
Whether you are a Pens Fan or not … from our
family to yours … Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays! Happy New Year too!
Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be
Wonderful!
Until
next time…
12 Dec 2019
I Just Want to Be Me
I received an email from a student who felt they were two different people – one side of them is their school self, the other side is their home self.
I could relate to this student as I remember my ‘school self’ being self conscious – worried about what others thought about me – wanting to be liked and accepted by everyone. I did have confident moments and many good times in school, but there was a voice in my head sometimes saying, ‘What will they think? Do they really like me?‘
Looking back, I can see that there were times when those self-defeating thoughts stopped me from being totally free to Just Be Me.
My ‘home self’ felt and still feels free – a place where I allow myself to relax and be me. When I am home I don’t worry about my clothes matching or what my hair looks like. I can choose to change into my pyjamas as soon as I step inside the door and to feel my true emotions without worry of judgments.
When you are not being who you really are, you are most likely worried about what other people are thinking about you. I still have moments when I worry what others think of me. But now I recognize those moments.
That recognition now gives me two choices: Allow those thoughts to hold me back from being me or notice the thought and take a stand for who I am regardless of the opinions of others.
The true essence of who you are should not change from place to place. If you feel you have to pretend to be someone that you are not in order to ‘fit in’, not only is it exhausting, but also frustrating.
Being true to you will be way more fulfilling than trying to be someone that you aren’t. Your real friends will accept you for who you are.
At the end of the day I believe it is imperative that you can say ‘I am proud of who I was today.’
Until
next time…
18 Nov 2019
Does Common Sense Exist?
“Common sense is sound practical judgment concerning everyday matters, or a basic ability to perceive, understand, and judge that is shared by nearly all people.”
Let’s dive into the definition…
Is sense really common?
The above definition implies that the average person should just know how to act in specific situations, but the problem with that is we are all different. You and I weren’t raised the same, didn’t learn the same things, didn’t have the same experiences, don’t live by the same rules—so what may seem to be common sense to me could be new information for you and vice versa. Wait, what?!
Here’s my theory… If sense were common, then we wouldn’t see road rage, violence, greed, and poor manners. No one would fall out, breakup, or argue over how to parent or teach children. We’d all agree on the fundamentals in life.
But we don’t.
Different experiences = Different sense.
Through my work, I’ve learned that sense and awareness is not common for people. Our experiences impact what we learn and how we perceive what happens around us and because we all experience different circumstances, we learn different lessons. There’s nothing common about it.
For example, my parents raised me to believe that mistakes are opportunities—an essential part of learning and growth. This is now common sense to me, but when I present this idea to a child who was raised to believe mistakes should be avoided, it’s new for them. They’ve learned the opposite.
When our version of sense differs, whose opinion is common?
None.
Does this sound familiar? Someone acts in a way that surprises you and your instant reaction is: ‘Well, it’s common sense, right?’
But what if it’s not?
I remember one day we had guests over. After greeting them at the door, I expected they would take off their shoes. Instead, they walked around inside with their shoes on.
And here’s where sense isn’t common. At my house, we remove our shoes at the door, at their house that isn’t the expectation.
What if it’s not about common sense but
rather expectation?
When
your expectations aren’t communicated, others won’t know what you want. How
would my guests know to remove their shoes if they normally don’t at their
house? In this case, I should have politely asked them to leave their shoes at
the door They would then know my expectations instead of me relying on common
sense.
It’s too easy to jump to the assumption that someone should know better because it’s common sense.
The more helpful reaction is to identify what your expectation is and clearly and politely communicate it to the other person.It’s simple, really! By being clear about expectations you can save yourself and others from unnecessary disappointment.
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