Resilience Archives

4 Dec 2024

Is Your Stress Effecting Your Child’s Performance?

Have you ever watched your child face a big moment—whether it’s playing in a game, performing on stage, or preparing to speak in front of their class— and found yourself more nervous than they are? The ‘parent stress effect’ can create added pressure for children, making their own nerves harder to manage.”

After one of my presentations, a student shared, “I get so nervous singing in front of people, but it’s even harder because my parents get nervous too. They’re scared I’ll make a mistake.”

I asked her, “Do you think their nerves make you doubt yourself ?” She nodded quickly. “Yeah,” she said. “I just want to enjoy singing, but I feel like I have to make sure they’re okay too.”

Sometimes the hardest part isn’t even the thing you’re doing—it’s managing the expectations caused by the ‘parent stress effect’.

I asked, “What do you love about singing?” Her face lit up. “It makes me feel alive.”

I told her, “Your parents are nervous because they care about you and don’t want you to feel hurt if something goes wrong. You can let them know that even if you make a mistake, you will be OK.”

We talked about how focusing on the joy of what you love can shift your mindset.

I shared this: “You don’t have to sing perfectly; you just have to sing with heart. When you let others feel the love you have for what you’re doing, that’s what they’ll remember.”

This is what I know: The next time someone you care about steps into the spotlight, whether it’s on stage, in sports, or in life, let your ‘cheer’ be the loudest thing they hear. When you cheer for courage over outcome, you create a space for growth, confidence and beautiful, human imperfection.

Until next time,

20 Nov 2024

Self Reliant Kids: Power Up Their Mind – Not Their Devices

In today’s world, where technology plays a significant role in a child’s life, it’s easy for kids to become overly reliant on devices. Encouraging self reliant kids is important to ensure they grow up with independence and life skills. Don’t get me wrong, technology has many benefits, however, it can feel like it’s taking over.

When kids are encouraged to trust their abilities, they develop the confidence to tackle challenges head-on. Self reliant kids begin to see the incredible potential within themselves—their ideas, creativity and resourcefulness.

It’s more important than ever to teach kids how to rely on themselves rather than always reaching for a device.

1. Nurture Curiosity over Quick Answers

When your child has a question or faces a challenge, resist the urge to let them turn to a device for answers. Instead, ask questions like, ‘What ideas can you come up with?’ or ‘What’s one thing you could try to solve this?’ This practice will help build self reliant kids.

2. Build on What They Already Know

Encourage your child to recall past experiences or lessons they’ve learned to solve a problem. For example, if they’re stuck, ask, ‘What have you learned before that could help with this?’ or ‘Does this make you think of something you’ve seen or done before?’ Such reflections are pivotal for building self reliant kids.

3. Embrace Challenges as Opportunities to Learn

When your child gets stuck, remind them, ‘It’s okay not to have the answer right away—sometimes our brains need extra time to think.’ This teaches them to trust their mental process instead of defaulting to technology for instant solutions.

This what I know: Encouraging children to trust their own judgment doesn’t mean removing technology; it means guiding them to recognize that their true strength lies within themselves, not in a screen. Self reliant kids learn to rely on themselves first.

Until next time…

23 Oct 2024

Feedback – Hurtful to Helpful

When feedback is shared with our children, it might hurt at first, particularly if it seems critical. It’s natural for kids to take things personally and feel defensive, upset or disappointed. This is where we can step in and guide them toward a different way of thinking. Transitioning feedback from hurtful to helpful can make a significant difference.

My son came home visibly frustrated after receiving feedback from his coaches. When I asked him what was said, the words didn’t seem harsh. It was his interpretation of those words that was fueling his frustration. This inspired a family exercise we now call ‘Hurtful vs. Helpful’.

I sat Kai down and asked him again what his coach had said. Then, I followed up with: “What is your mind telling you about those words?”

His response revealed why he was so upset: “My mind is telling me I’m not good enough. They don’t think I’m good enough.”

I then asked him: “What if your coaches weren’t trying to hurt you but were actually trying to help you? What if they believe in your potential and want to see you improve, and that’s why they gave you this feedback?”

We discussed how we can’t control what others say or how they say it. However, we do have control over how we interpret their words and what we tell ourselves about what was said. This helps in turning hurtful feedback into something helpful.

I asked, “If you saw their feedback as them trying to help you because they believe in you, how would that change how you feel?”

After a pause, he said, “I’d feel happier.”

I then asked, “And if you felt happier, what would you choose to do next?”

He replied, “I’d try what they’re suggesting.”

This is what I know: How kids perceive feedback affects their emotions, which in turn influences their behavior, choices and mindset. Teaching them to understand that feedback can be seen as hurtful or helpful, allows them to focus on the positive aspects which will benefit them now and in the future.

Until next time…

28 Aug 2024

Rock the School Year: 3 Tips for a Child’s Success

The beginning of the school year – a time when emotions can be heightened, from excitement to anxiety and all the feelings in between. I remember those feelings from my own childhood!

Telling a child… ‘you can do this, you’re stronger than you think, you’ll get through this, just be yourself, focus on the fun parts’ – they can’t – no matter how many times they hear it! When emotions are overwhelming, it can be hard for kids to focus on positive affirmations or past successes.

Without strategies a child’s emotions can quickly become unmanageable, affecting their resilience and heightening their anxiety.

Three tips to help kids work through their emotions:

1. Problem-Solving is an essential tool for building emotional resilience. Encourage kids to reflect on their emotions and how to navigate different situations through role-playing. For example, you can create scenarios they might encounter at school, such as dealing with a disagreement with a friend, walking down the hall past older students, handling peer pressure, or tackling a difficult homework assignment. Acting out these scenarios allows them to express their feelings in a safe space, gain a sense of control, practice effective responses and explore various solutions.

2. Positive Self-Talk plays a significant role in building emotional resilience by helping kids manage their thoughts, emotions and reactions in challenging circumstances. It helps counteract negative thoughts that can lead to feelings of anxiety, stress or self-doubt. Reminding themselves that they can handle the situation or that they’ve been through tough times before, can reduce feelings of overwhelm and boost their confidence. Help your child come up with a positive phrase, such as ‘I can do this’, ‘I believe in myself’ or ‘I am brave.’ Suggest they write it down and place it in their room as a constant reminder.

3. Mindfulness Techniques such as deep breathing, meditation and visualization significantly strengthen their emotional resilience by fostering increased awareness, more effective management and deeper understanding of how emotions influence their moods. By practicing mindfulness, kids learn to observe their thoughts and emotions without immediately reacting to them. This pause creates space to choose more constructive responses, helping to prevent impulsive reactions and reduce emotional outbursts. Here’s a link to a 2-minute meditation that my 12-year-old son likes https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Jholcb8Gz0M

By equipping them with these strategies, you’re not only helping them manage stressful emotions but also fostering a sense of inner strength and calm that will serve them throughout their lives.

Until next time…

1 May 2024

How to Help a Child Overcome Loss

As children travel through life’s various challenges, they will inevitably need help to overcome loss.

Whether it’s in sports, extracurricular activities, relationships, or in everyday life, shielding kids from experiencing loss deprives them of the potential for personal growth and resilience.

Helping children overcome loss is vital for their development.

Be there for them as they confront and process the loss. Instead of trying to fix or change their emotions, listen to their thoughts and emotions with compassion and understanding.

Whether they are feeling sad, disappointed, angry or frustrated, create a space where they feel safe to express themselves. By recognizing and accepting their feelings, you teach them that it’s okay to experience a range of emotions and that they are not alone in their struggles.

Help them recognize that within every loss, there are often hidden opportunities or alternative paths waiting to be discovered. By reframing their perceptive on loss, they can often uncover hidden silver linings and find renewed hope and optimism.

Watch the video to learn one parent’s approach to his child losing her best friend.

Until next time…

18 Apr 2024

How Powerful is Self-Talk in Shaping a Child’s Resilience?

Recently, I had a conversation with my 11-year-old son about his self-talk during challenging moments—whether on the ice or in everyday life.

I asked him, “What do you tell yourself when things don’t go as planned? How do you bounce back?”

His response was simple yet powerful: “I tell myself, ‘I got this.’ And I keep repeating it.”

When his self talk is, “I got this,” it not only impacts his confidence and determination but also influences the path he will choose to take.

Whenever your child is facing a challenging time, the words they repeat matters. It’s the difference between perseverance and belief in themselves or self-doubt and defeat.

I encourage you to ask your child what they could tell themselves that would give them the power and confidence to bounce back from mistakes, misplays and challenging circumstances.

Here’s What I Know: In teaching them the power of self-talk, you will equip them with a valuable tool for navigating life’s inevitable challenges with courage and resilience.

Until next time…

21 Mar 2024

How to Help Kids When They Act Out

Sometimes kids act out without being mindful of their words and actions, which may result in misunderstandings. And when that happens it can be embarrassing and frustrating, not only for us, but also for them.

How we help kids when they act out, is what matters.

Below are strategies I use with my son:

1. Encourage reflection: Prompt your child to reflect on their actions and consider how they could have handled the situation differently. Encourage them to think about the impact of their words and actions on themselves and others.

2. Cultivate empathy: Help your child consider the feelings of others by prompting them to reflect on how their actions might affect others. Ask them to reflect how they think their actions may impact others and encourage them to consider the feelings of others. Acknowledge and praise children when they demonstrate thoughtfulness and mindfulness in their words and actions.

3. Teach problem-solving skills: Help your child develop problem-solving skills by discussing different ways to approach situations and brainstorming possible solutions together. Encourage them to think about potential consequences before acting.

4. Promote self-compassion: It’s natural to feel guilt and sadness after mistreating someone, even if it was unintentional. Guide your child to apologize, forgive themselves and focus on the lessons learned. Teach them to be kind to themselves when they mess up.

This is what I know: Establishing a nurturing environment when kids act out fosters an atmosphere where children feel safe to share their thoughts and emotions and where they feel supported in their efforts to learn and grow.

11 Jan 2024

Riding the Waves of Life with Determination

Every challenge you have faced and the choices you have chosen to make has created who you are today.

Picture yourself as the captain of a ship. Sometimes the water is calm and the choices are easy. Other times, the calm waters give way to crashing waves, intensifying the difficulty of your choices

Knowing your destination is crucial for guiding your ship in the right direction, and this holds true in life as well. Being clear about the person you want to be, the character traits you want to process, and the goals you want to achieve, gives clarity when navigating through tough challenges. You have a destination and even if the massive waves of your circumstances try to throw you off course, you persevere and continue moving towards your ultimate goal.

When you aren’t clear about what matters to you, it’s easy to allow circumstances and the emotions they trigger, dictate your actions and choices, which leads to a feeling of being out of control. Acting with intention instills confidence.

By respecting your goals, and acting in alignment with them, you will find yourself making small choices every day that help build the person you imagine.

Remember, it’s your choices, not your circumstances, that truly define you. Consider who you want to become, the traits you want to embody, and the goals you wish to fulfill. This now becomes the destination that guides you.

What I know is: All is possible when you choose to be determined, put in the effort and most importantly – BELIEVE in YOU ALWAYS – even when you are in the midst of a fierce storm!

Until next time…

7 Dec 2023

Parenting with Love Through Life’s Boundaries

In our ongoing endeavour to establish healthy boundaries that nurture the mental and emotional well-being of our children, there are three challenges that often come up to test our efforts:

1. Desire to be liked: You may worry your children won’t like you when enforcing boundaries and consequences. While it isn’t pleasant to hear your child yelling, ‘I don’t like you’, it doesn’t mean they don’t. What they are really saying is, ‘I don’t like your boundaries. I don’t like your consequences.’ Understanding this, helps you respond with the intent of encouraging growth rather than reacting solely from the emotions you may be triggered to feel, like anger or guilt.

2. Remembering when you were a kid: You may find yourself thinking, ‘I know what it’s like to feel disappointment and I don’t want that for my child.’ Attempting to protect them from disappointment is not in their best interest. We want kids to grow into adults that know how to manage emotions like disappointment rather than avoiding them.

3. Wanting them to make their own choices: While it’s important to encourage independence and decision-making skills, many parents make the mistake of thinking their child has the logic and reasoning of an adult and will naturally make the responsible choices (I have had those moments). Unfortunately, our children don’t have the life experiences to pull from, nor the maturity to know what might be in their best interest.

Strategies to Establish Healthy Boundaries

1. Clarity on your boundaries: Knowing what boundaries and consequences work best for your child ahead of time will stop you from making a decision in the heat of the moment – one you may later regret. Plus, letting your child know the expectation ahead of time gives them clarity and awareness.

2. Be their parent: Growing up, when I would push back on my mom’s boundaries, she would say, ‘I’m your parent and I have a job to do.’ This mindset allowed her to enforce the structure that I needed, even when I didn’t know that’s what I needed. She didn’t allow my disappointment to become her guilt. Remain sturdy. Remember you are arming your child with important life skills.

3. Stay consistent: Children thrive on consistency, and it helps them understand the boundaries that are in place. Of course, there will be times when you will fall off track, but be honest with your kids by saying, ‘I haven’t followed through with what we talked about and that’s on me. Moving forward my expectations are…(fill in the blank)’. Your kids will appreciate your honesty.

4. Preventing entitlement: Establishing clear boundaries helps prevent a sense of entitlement. When kids understand that there are limits to their wants and behaviours, they learn the valuable lesson that the world doesn’t always cater to their every wish. This realization fosters a more realistic and appreciative perspective, reducing the likelihood of entitlement.

This is What I Know: When your child pushes back – that’s their job – your role is to maintain a healthy boundary. By staying steadfast, they will learn to cope with disappointment, frustration and setbacks, essential for bouncing back from life’s challenges.

Until next time,

12 Oct 2023

How to Handle Kids’ Disappointments and Strengthen Bonds

Life is a series of ups and downs and it’s natural for children to face disappointment along the way.

When my son confides in me about a disappointment, my natural instinct is to think of solutions and ways to fix it, especially if he is feeling sad and dejected.

Disappointments are valuable life lessons that help develop skills like perseverance, empathy, resilience and problem-solving. If you try to protect them from disappointment, it will stop them from developing these essential skills. Without a healthy approach to disappointments, a young person can feel like a failure, causing them to give up or quit.

Below are four strategies to help you and the child in your life effectively deal with disappointment:

1. Acknowledge Emotions

Let them know that it’s okay to feel disappointed and that it’s an emotion that everyone encounters at various times in their life. Remember to acknowledge your own emotions when you see a child experiencing disappointment. Being able to feel your own discomfort is an important part of teaching them to lean into uncomfortable emotions.

2. Validate Emotions

Refrain from dismissing their emotions. Avoid phrases like “It’s not a big deal” or “You’re overreacting.” Such statements invalidate their emotions and can make them feel unheard or misunderstood. Instead, validate their emotions by saying, ‘I understand you’re feeling really disappointed right now’ or ‘That must have been really tough for you.’

3. Teach Emotional Management Strategies

Help them identify healthy ways to release their emotions that bring them comfort and calmness when they are upset, such as deep breathing, counting to ten, or finding an activity that relaxes them.

4. Encourage a Problem-Solving Mindset

Together brainstorm potential solutions or strategies to improve the situation. This approach gives them a plan to better prepare them for handling future disappointments.

Providing a supportive and understanding environment goes a long way to helping a child not only navigate disappointment, but also develop resilience.

Until next time…