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Tag: Child Development

23 Oct 2024

Feedback – Hurtful to Helpful

When feedback is shared with our children, it might hurt at first, particularly if it seems critical. It’s natural for kids to take things personally and feel defensive, upset or disappointed. This is where we can step in and guide them toward a different way of thinking. Transitioning feedback from hurtful to helpful can make a significant difference.

My son came home visibly frustrated after receiving feedback from his coaches. When I asked him what was said, the words didn’t seem harsh. It was his interpretation of those words that was fueling his frustration. This inspired a family exercise we now call ‘Hurtful vs. Helpful’.

I sat Kai down and asked him again what his coach had said. Then, I followed up with: “What is your mind telling you about those words?”

His response revealed why he was so upset: “My mind is telling me I’m not good enough. They don’t think I’m good enough.”

I then asked him: “What if your coaches weren’t trying to hurt you but were actually trying to help you? What if they believe in your potential and want to see you improve, and that’s why they gave you this feedback?”

We discussed how we can’t control what others say or how they say it. However, we do have control over how we interpret their words and what we tell ourselves about what was said. This helps in turning hurtful feedback into something helpful.

I asked, “If you saw their feedback as them trying to help you because they believe in you, how would that change how you feel?”

After a pause, he said, “I’d feel happier.”

I then asked, “And if you felt happier, what would you choose to do next?”

He replied, “I’d try what they’re suggesting.”

This is what I know: How kids perceive feedback affects their emotions, which in turn influences their behavior, choices and mindset. Teaching them to understand that feedback can be seen as hurtful or helpful, allows them to focus on the positive aspects which will benefit them now and in the future.

Until next time…

21 Mar 2024

How to Help Kids When They Act Out

Sometimes kids act out without being mindful of their words and actions, which may result in misunderstandings. And when that happens it can be embarrassing and frustrating, not only for us, but also for them.

How we help kids when they act out, is what matters.

Below are strategies I use with my son:

1. Encourage reflection: Prompt your child to reflect on their actions and consider how they could have handled the situation differently. Encourage them to think about the impact of their words and actions on themselves and others.

2. Cultivate empathy: Help your child consider the feelings of others by prompting them to reflect on how their actions might affect others. Ask them to reflect how they think their actions may impact others and encourage them to consider the feelings of others. Acknowledge and praise children when they demonstrate thoughtfulness and mindfulness in their words and actions.

3. Teach problem-solving skills: Help your child develop problem-solving skills by discussing different ways to approach situations and brainstorming possible solutions together. Encourage them to think about potential consequences before acting.

4. Promote self-compassion: It’s natural to feel guilt and sadness after mistreating someone, even if it was unintentional. Guide your child to apologize, forgive themselves and focus on the lessons learned. Teach them to be kind to themselves when they mess up.

This is what I know: Establishing a nurturing environment when kids act out fosters an atmosphere where children feel safe to share their thoughts and emotions and where they feel supported in their efforts to learn and grow.

8 Feb 2024

Crash Course on Resilience for Kids (Part One)

I’ve been hearing more and more about the lack of resilience skills in our young people particularly noticeable in the aftermath of the pandemic.

In light of this, I’ve created a crash course aimed at strengthening our children’s ‘resilience muscle’ for their overall well-being and future success. Here are the initial four strategies; stay tuned for more ways in the next newsletter.

1. Life is a series of ups and downs. Giving kids the opportunity to find solutions to challenges and mistakes, will enhance their ability to problem solve. It will also give them the confidence to face adversity.

2. Not everyone will like them. Even though that may hurt, it’s essential for children to understand that, even in the face of non-acceptance, they possess the power to love and accept themselves unconditionally.

3. It’s totally normal to experience emotions. Some moments bring happiness and joy, others cause disappointment and frustration. Challenges bring up emotions that can feel overwhelming and vulnerable. Expressing their emotions helps them communicate their needs, seek support and navigate difficulties.

4. Help them reflect on past experiences to identify challenges they have faced and overcome. This process helps them recognize their ability to navigate difficulties, fostering a sense of accomplishment. The realization that they’ve effectively dealt with challenges in the past instills the confidence required to approach similar situations with more calmness.

By arming children with the tools to navigate life’s twists and turns, you empower them to face challenges with courage, learn from setbacks, and cultivate a positive mindset. The efforts you put in today will shape their well-being and success for the future.

Until next time…

7 Dec 2023

Parenting with Love Through Life’s Boundaries

In our ongoing endeavour to establish healthy boundaries that nurture the mental and emotional well-being of our children, there are three challenges that often come up to test our efforts:

1. Desire to be liked: You may worry your children won’t like you when enforcing boundaries and consequences. While it isn’t pleasant to hear your child yelling, ‘I don’t like you’, it doesn’t mean they don’t. What they are really saying is, ‘I don’t like your boundaries. I don’t like your consequences.’ Understanding this, helps you respond with the intent of encouraging growth rather than reacting solely from the emotions you may be triggered to feel, like anger or guilt.

2. Remembering when you were a kid: You may find yourself thinking, ‘I know what it’s like to feel disappointment and I don’t want that for my child.’ Attempting to protect them from disappointment is not in their best interest. We want kids to grow into adults that know how to manage emotions like disappointment rather than avoiding them.

3. Wanting them to make their own choices: While it’s important to encourage independence and decision-making skills, many parents make the mistake of thinking their child has the logic and reasoning of an adult and will naturally make the responsible choices (I have had those moments). Unfortunately, our children don’t have the life experiences to pull from, nor the maturity to know what might be in their best interest.

Strategies to Establish Healthy Boundaries

1. Clarity on your boundaries: Knowing what boundaries and consequences work best for your child ahead of time will stop you from making a decision in the heat of the moment – one you may later regret. Plus, letting your child know the expectation ahead of time gives them clarity and awareness.

2. Be their parent: Growing up, when I would push back on my mom’s boundaries, she would say, ‘I’m your parent and I have a job to do.’ This mindset allowed her to enforce the structure that I needed, even when I didn’t know that’s what I needed. She didn’t allow my disappointment to become her guilt. Remain sturdy. Remember you are arming your child with important life skills.

3. Stay consistent: Children thrive on consistency, and it helps them understand the boundaries that are in place. Of course, there will be times when you will fall off track, but be honest with your kids by saying, ‘I haven’t followed through with what we talked about and that’s on me. Moving forward my expectations are…(fill in the blank)’. Your kids will appreciate your honesty.

4. Preventing entitlement: Establishing clear boundaries helps prevent a sense of entitlement. When kids understand that there are limits to their wants and behaviours, they learn the valuable lesson that the world doesn’t always cater to their every wish. This realization fosters a more realistic and appreciative perspective, reducing the likelihood of entitlement.

This is What I Know: When your child pushes back – that’s their job – your role is to maintain a healthy boundary. By staying steadfast, they will learn to cope with disappointment, frustration and setbacks, essential for bouncing back from life’s challenges.

Until next time,

28 Sep 2023

Building Emotional Connection, One ‘Refresh’ at a Time

Emotions run high. Meltdowns occur. Tantrums happen.

You can’t have conflict resolution without first facing conflict.

You can’t have redirection without first creating connection.

When you have moments of despair, they need repair.

One effective strategy for enhancing conflict resolution, fostering connection, and facilitating repair is to incorporate ‘refresh’ into your resource toolbox, much like refreshing a computer when it’s bogged down and not functioning properly.

To illustrate the effectiveness of using ‘refresh’, let me share a recent circumstance involving my 11-year-old son.

The other day he experienced a really tough moment as we were about to leave the house. He wasn’t getting something he wanted within the timeframe he was hoping for. While this wouldn’t typically bother him, on that particular day it triggered an emotional storm! I should also add that he had some late nights that had obviously caught up to him, although suggesting that to him wasn’t an option.

I needed to remain calm and steady in his emotional storm – not an easy task, especially when I was frustrated, realizing we needed to leave and I wasn’t even ready! Nothing I said was helpful or comforting. I took a deep breath and stepped away, giving him the space to feel what he was feeling.

After a few minutes, I bent down to his level, knowing this wasn’t the time to question his behaviour or engage in a conversation about it. Instead, I recognized that he needed to hit the ‘refresh button’.

I looked at him and said, “I understand you’re upset that things aren’t going the way you wanted them to. I’m feeling the same way.” (this validates the emotions felt and adds connection)

I presented two options:

1. Continue with our back-and-forth.

2. Take a deep breath and ‘refresh, starting over.

He chose to ‘refresh’, and we did just that without the need to have a further conversation. We hugged and both felt a weight lifted. (this is our way of creating repair)

Despite a bumpy start, we had a wonderful day.