We often say to kids ‘good job’ or ‘I’m proud of you.’

Those words matter, but they can train kids to look outward for validation instead of inward for recognition.

A simple question shifts that focus: ‘Are you proud of yourself?’

It sounds small, but it changes where the reflection happens.

Instead of waiting for approval, kids begin to pause and consider their own effort and choices.

I notice this with my son Kai. His instinct is often to look up and check my reaction. It’s a natural response as kids learn quickly that adult feedback signals how they’re doing.

When I pause and ask, ‘Are you proud of yourself?’, it shifts the focus back to him, rather than the response from me.

At first, many kids won’t know how to answer. Some will shrug, some will look unsure, and some will repeat what they think they’re supposed to say…that’s okay.

This isn’t about getting the “right” answer.

It’s about building a habit of reflecting on themselves. It’s about learning to recognize their own effort, not just having it recognized by others.

This is what I know: Kids will move from needing to be told they did well… to knowing it for themselves.

Until next time…